I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
That accounts for only three of the penises
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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