I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
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