Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
