you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
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