Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
