Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
