My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
