My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
