someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Randomize
