He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I faked an abortion last night.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Randomize