dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
