Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
