you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
