I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
