did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
You need Xanax blowdarts
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
