break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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