in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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