Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
did i walk over a car last night?
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
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