I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
