I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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