But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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