I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Randomize
