I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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