i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
Randomize
