Yeah, it wasn't as bad as I thought. I tried not to clench and things went pretty smoothly.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
