He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Randomize
