why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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