Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
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