If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize