if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
