i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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