Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
