i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Randomize
