$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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