There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
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