Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
The Olympian is in my bed
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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