She's JV to your varsity
You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
