Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
