Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i would punch a child for taco bell
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Well, he was practically tripping over his dick to get to me so I'd say my new dress was successful
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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