I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
