I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
Randomize
