she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Randomize
