does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?
Just flip the mattress, it erases all
Done and done
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
