there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
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