I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
