What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
