Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
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