I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
For the love of all that is holy just take the tranquilizers Erica
Randomize
