Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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