dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
