THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
