Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
