i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
