you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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