I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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