I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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