I love black thongs
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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